*praying for world peace*
God:
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I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
nice challenge
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.