me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
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Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.