Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
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May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!