I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
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I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
“I took care of your clown problem.”