A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
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Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
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The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.