Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
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Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.