Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
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*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
prepare for carbonated trouble
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.