I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
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[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.