After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
You Might Also Like
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.