Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
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Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?