CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
me and who
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.