Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
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No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.