If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
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*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.