5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
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People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Lmao
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.