All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
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Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep