Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
You Might Also Like
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
*sewing*
A thread
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”