What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
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“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I’m already scared
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself