Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
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“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Worth a try
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.