Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
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my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
What a website
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.