I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
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me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
DOOO EEEET
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”