I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
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[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at