we all know this pain all too well
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Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?