My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
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Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”