your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.