inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
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General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.