It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
You Might Also Like
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
had to make it
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.