Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
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*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.