What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
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as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it