The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant