You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
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[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
prepare for carbonated trouble
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.