The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
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I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.