Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
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I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.