Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
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That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
why I oughta
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My sex drive has a dui
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.