We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
You Might Also Like
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out