I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
You Might Also Like
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??