Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
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[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
#catsoftwitter
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!