Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
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Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
An odd boast
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.