computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
You Might Also Like
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
is there nothing we can trust anymore
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy