Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
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I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.