I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
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So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?