Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
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Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice