Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
You Might Also Like
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
A leaf blower, but for people.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?