[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
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this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Never be a pizza!