Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
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My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.