Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
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“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
when someone compliments me
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
(2022)