everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
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I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship