haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
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Thanks to a fan for this one!
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
It do be feeling this way.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born