Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
You Might Also Like
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died