me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
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Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
What number SPF blocks people?
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos