[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
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A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
SCARY COSTUME
“Wait, let me explain..”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time